College Essay Jokes
It seems that Hugh Gallagher wrote this for a national writing contest, and that an Urban Legend has since arisen that he wrote it as an actual application essay.
18 June 1998, update. Hugh Gallagher emailed me(!), and said: "I was happy to see my college essay on your site (by the the way, I did send it to colleges)". So that's that Urban Legend laid to rest, then? He also said "... and my first novel, Teeth, was published by Pocket Books this Spring. ... It's a coming of age tale about a guy with really messed up teeth, who goes travelling around the world instead of fixing his mouth." If it's told with anything like the style and wit of what follows, it should be great!
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
We all know how the life of a student can be incredibly boring, especially if he studies in a serious and restricted university. But that’s not something that should let you down, with our college essay jokes you can add a little more entertainment to your studies, increase your motivation and eventually achieve those perfect grades you need without a problem.
These essay puns will not also help you improve your pass through college but it will also make it funnier and entertain for your classmates, and why not? Your teachers as well. But it is important to learn how to use them, which jokes works and which do not. Want to know more about the bibliography builder? Keep reading and find out!
Funny Students Stories to Consider
When writing an essay or doing online paraphrase the last thing you’re thinking about is making a joke, you just want to get on with it, finish the word count, make your point and get a good grade. Yet, sometimes a joke can make everything you write easy to digest. But only happens if you do it effectively, as follows:
In a philosophy class, the professor was giving a class about Hobbes, he was so boring and uninteresting that almost everyone was falling asleep. But there was this student who felt interested on the subject, yet he wanted his classmates to feel the same. So, he started asking questions but his questions were simple – he just asked “why?” to everything his professor said.His professor was explaining the social contract, the idea that explains why we need laws. And so the professor went “Hobbes thinks that laws are important because every human is greedy and self-serving, so without laws, we would just do whatever we want”.
The student asked, “why?” – so the professor kept going: “We need material in order to live happily, we want to take everything we think we deserve. But without laws, we would simply take whatever we want, even if we deserve it or not – because we are greedy and materialistic, so, that’s a problem”. And the student kept going with the “why?”…
And the professor answered, “Our laws maintain our greediness at balance, making us thrive to obtain what we want and need, as well as making respectful of other’s desires”. And, of course, the student kept going with the “Why?” At this moment almost every classmate was already interested in the class, as the “why” from this student was so easy to ask and so easy to answer as well that everyone paid attention without a problem.
So the professor ended with “Our need for laws is simple, if we don’t have them, even when we make deals or contracts with other people – there won’t be a guarantee that they will be kept, by anyone. This adds a lot of fear and uncertainty to society, as everyone would just live preoccupied. With laws, on the other hand, there’s a social contract, something everyone must follow to live peacefully, with no fear and always certain what path should things follow – and that’s all about the social contract, the idea of why we need to have laws or else everything would be a disaster.” This felt like a conclusion, but the student that was most interested in the class wanted to keep going, wanted to know more and also wanted to keep the professor talking so he asked “why?” again. To which the professor answered “Exactly because of that, we want people who can answer to their desires without having to ask everyone about them. Want to know something? Go and look for the knowledge yourself.”
This made the student realize he was right, yet he told the professor as he finished talking “Thanks, professor, now I know what to write in my essay…” and with an ironic voice “… The social contract is making a contract to live as sheep.” To which every one of his classmates laughed, and of course, his professor did find it funny as well.
What to Do in an Essay
When writing an essay, you can’t be that obvious. It is important to use jokes essay writing differently, with a more subtle approach and always making an effort on adding it as a pun – using your words more than anything. But it is totally easy once you know which jokes you can make about academic subjects that could make college a little funnier.
When checking your essay, just make sure you don’t insult anyone, you don’t mess with a religious or political issue, and of course, you don’t make a funny statement about something that should be serious. Only add pun jokes as a finish line, as something sarcastic or ironic, always trying to sound less like a critique but as a funny description.
Need help doing this? Don’t worry here we have the perfect jokes for you to share with your friends and classmates. They will help you create the funniest college essay jokes you can think of.